Being Mindful of Patterned Parental Responses: The Bottom Line for Parents with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

If you're a listener to this podcast, it's safe to say you are invested in becoming the best parent to your child or children that you possibly can. But "best" is often subjective and almost always situational. So what are the parenting cornerstones on which we can rely?

I carry so much of my parents’ expectations of me to my children. Do you do that too? 

In our episode with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, we were talking about what eventually becomes our patterned or conditioned responses to our children. Now, these responses do not appear out of thin air; rather, these patterns are laid one on top of another, like layers, strengthened by the same or similar response over and over. The patterns we learned consciously and subconsciously as children were often carried unwittingly to our children. When I was growing up, we lived two blocks away from my grandparents, so I received a double portion of this blessing. (*wink) Not only was my mom carrying the conditioned patterns of her childhood, but she was also having those patterns solidified by continually being parented by her parents still affected by their own conditions of their childhood. When we say something like, “Well, that just sounded like my mother/father/guardian,” it is an important insight to explore.

And, exploration is the first step to realizing the patterned responses to our children. The second step is far more difficult: coming into yourself as a parent. 

Our brains have this kind of capacity to certainly take on patterns, and our brains find comfort in the pattern. The good news is that our brains have a way of learning new patterns. This taking on of new patterns points to what brain researchers call “neuroplasticity.” Neuroplasticity can be defined by the capacity to remain flexible with new experiences. It sounded like this in our episode with Dr. Bryson: when we become aware of a new experience in our parenting, we ought to register that new experience and, if possible, decide how we will rise to that occasion. Will we utilize patterns learned from our parents, or will we opt for a present-centered response with our child? The latter choice may forge a deeper bond, not only with your child but also with yourself as a parent.

My parents did the very best they could. I have the privilege to build on their best.